By Sophie Harris - Postpartum & Motherhood Psychotherapist
Grab a cuppa for this 10 minute read
In this blog:
• Why difficult thoughts in early motherhood are normal
• What feelings like regret or resentment are really signalling
• How to cope with identity loss and missing your old life
• Why bonding doesn’t always happen instantly
• Simple, therapist-approved ways to process and soften these emotions
You’re not alone, even if you’ve thought these things…
Postpartum life is full of confronting, confusing thoughts. Some of these thoughts, you might never dare say out loud. From our survey of 600 mums, many admitted to feeling resentment, regret, loss of identity, and moments of emotional distance, yet felt they had to hide these feelings.
I’m Sophie Harris, a postpartum psychotherapist, and I want to help you understand what’s really going on beneath these thoughts.
Thoughts of regret…
“Sometimes I’ve wondered if I made a mistake, and I should never have had a baby.”
This thought often emerges from exhaustion, unmet needs, and the grief of what your life has changed from and for. This does not mean you love your baby any less, instead it is a normal response to how much your life has changed so dramatically.
Therapist insight
Regret is often a signal of mourning; for freedom, career opportunities, identity, or support that’s missing. Feeling this way does not make you a bad parent; it is just a normal response as you are adapting to an enormous life shift.
What to try
• Acknowledge what you’re feeling without trying to judge or fix it. When conflicted thoughts arise, simply name them. Saying something like, “This is hard, and it makes sense that I feel this way”, can help reduce the intensity of the emotion rather than pushing it away.
• Use journaling as a way to understand what sits underneath the feeling. You may find that you’re not mourning your baby, but your freedom, your identity, or the support you expected to have. Writing can help you separate grief from guilt and make sense of what you’re really missing.
• Talk to someone who can truly hear you. This might be a friend or a therapist who won’t minimise what you’re saying or rush to reassure you. Being met with “that makes sense” can be far more helpful than being told everything will be fine.
I just want to be alone…
“I love my baby. But sometimes I just want everyone to leave me alone.”
If this resonates, know that it’s normal. Your nervous system is overloaded. Being constantly touched, needed, and ‘on’ all the time is exhausting. This craving for space is a signal that your body and mind need a moment to regulate.
Therapist insight
Postpartum life can overstimulate your nervous system. Wanting solitude is a very valid reaction to being needed 24/7. Small, regular breaks can prevent overwhelm from turning into burnout.
What to Try
• Try to carve out five to ten minutes of quiet each day. This doesn’t need to be anything impressive. It might be a short walk alone, sitting in a room with a podcast, or a few slow breaths while the door is closed. These small pockets of quiet can help your nervous system settle when you’re feeling overstimulated.
• Create a simple safe word or phrase with your partner for moments when you feel like you might tip over. This gives you a way to say I need support right now without having to explain or justify yourself when you’re already overwhelmed.
• Allow yourself to accept help from family or friends, even for small things. Letting someone hold the baby while you shower, make you food, or give you space to rest can create a genuine break rather than just time where you’re still on alert.
I’m not enjoying motherhood…
“Everyone said it would be hard. But I didn’t think I’d feel so flat.”
Sometimes you find yourself living mainly in survival mode; this can leave little room for joy and connection. Burnout, sleep deprivation, and overstimulation can make it hard to feel enjoyment even when you love your baby deeply.
Therapist insight
Feeling flat or disconnected is often a result of your body and mind being overstretched, not a reflection of your love or commitment. Whilst this is a very common experience, these feelings can often serve as a warning sign that something needs changing.
What to try
• Focus on tiny, achievable moments that bring even small pleasure. Examples of this include listening to a favourite song, a shower without interruption, or a five-minute cup of tea.
• Aim to do one activity a day that you enjoy (eg: singing, talking to a friend), and one activity that gives you a sense of achievement (eg: paying the gas bill, vacuuming the floor). This is a simple and effective way to help you achieve balance.
• Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that feeling flat is a temporary response to very real stress.
Missing my old life…
“I miss who I was before I became ‘mum’. I just want to feel like me again.”
This feeling is common and does not mean you love your baby any less. In fact, it makes complete sense that you would miss your old life, and feel sad at some aspects of how much your life has changed.
Therapist insight
Having a baby is all-consuming. It is very typical for you to not feel like yourself any more. Grief for your old life and gratitude for your new one can coexist. This is normal and part of the transition into motherhood.
What to try
• Give yourself permission to mourn your old life without guilt. It’s normal to feel wobbly for a while as you adjust.
• Reconnect with small pieces of your old life gradually. This could be reading a few pages of a book, listening to a podcast while doing chores, or taking the baby to a place that sparks your own interest.
• Explore new interests alongside your baby. Short online courses, a hobby, or a local class can help you discover the person you’re becoming without losing sight of who you were.
Struggles around bonding with my baby…
“Everyone talks about that instant rush of love. I didn’t feel it. I thought something was wrong with me.”
Bonding is not always immediate. It is often much more gradual, and entirely unique to you and your baby.
Therapist insight
Bonding can be delayed by birth trauma, feeding difficulties, or postnatal depression. Feeling disconnected at first is common and does not reflect your ability to love or care for your baby. Most mums who don’t have an initial connection, will find that they naturally bond with their child over the first year
What to try
• When you are cuddling or feeding your baby, aim for a few moments of presence and connection. This might include feeling their skin against yours, smelling them, or noticing the way their fingers wrap around yours.
• Aim to build in moments to your day that you enjoy with your baby. This might include going for a walk in nature or singing with your baby,
• Slow bonding is very common and not necessarily anything to worry about. However, if persistent anxiety or low mood is affecting your bonding with your baby then reach out to a professional.
Partner resentment
“He still gets to sleep. To shower. To just… be. I’m always ‘on’.”
Noticing inequality is natural. Many mums carry the invisible load, such as the planning, remembering, worrying, and when it is unseen or uneven, resentment can build.
Therapist insight
It can feel incredibly hard when partners don’t fully understand each other’s experiences in this phase. Many partners simply cannot grasp what it’s like to be at home, needed by a baby around the clock, with no real breaks and no clear end to the day. When you’re the parent at home, it’s very common to start resenting your partner for going to work, because from where you’re standing it can feel like a form of freedom. This resentment is about feeling unseen, unsupported, and alone with the emotional and physical load.
What to Try
• Try building in regular check-in conversations, even just five or ten minutes, to help you both feel seen. Sharing the highs and lows of the day can reduce resentment before it builds.
• Look at how the invisible load is shared, not just the practical tasks. Fairness often means one person holding the whole responsibility for something, from planning to execution. For example, if your partner takes the baby swimming, they also handle packing the bag, snacks, and noticing when things need replacing.
• Finally, be as clear and specific as you can about what you need. Your partner cannot fully understand what it’s like to be pregnant, give birth, or be postpartum. Saying exactly what would help, such as asking them to take the baby for half an hour in the morning so you can shower and get ready, gives them a real chance to support you.
Final reassurance…
Having difficult, uncomfortable thoughts in early motherhood is not a sign that something is wrong. It is a normal response to a profound life transition that affects your body, identity, relationships, and sense of self all at once.
Motherhood isn’t just about learning how to care for a baby. It’s also about learning how to live inside a completely changed life. That process can feel disorienting, emotional, and at times deeply uncomfortable.
As a therapist, this is what I want you to know: you don’t need to push these thoughts away or feel ashamed of them. Instead, accepting you’re in the middle of this big life transition, and it is inevitable you will have negative thoughts and experiences at times.
For more tips and advice on motherhood, head over to the Mum Hub.
