By Sophie Harris - Postpartum & Motherhood Psychotherapist
Grab a cuppa for this 10 minute read
In this blog:
• Why loving your baby and missing your old life can coexist
• The psychological shift behind identity loss in motherhood
• How to gently reconnect with who you are becoming
• Practical ways to prioritise self-care (without pressure)
• How to manage resentment and rebalance the mental load in your relationship
No one prepared you for how different you’d feel as a mum
As a postpartum psychotherapist, I have heard more times than I can count “I love my baby, but I miss my old life”.
If that thought has ever crossed your mind, you’re not alone. It can be so incredibly difficult to process the huge changes that happen overnight when you have a baby. You go from being independent,to being needed 24/7. In my opinion, this really changes the fabric of who you are, and for many of us, it causes a temporary identity crisis.
I’m Sophie Harris, a postpartum psychotherapist, and I work with mums every day who are navigating this huge identity transition. I’m going to share with you some of these experiences, and some ways to support you to make this transition.
Before you read on, I want you to know this: loving your baby while missing your old life isn’t a contradiction… It’s a very normal response to a huge life transition.
The biggest identity challenges that you may be experiencing as a new mum
Identity loss in motherhood doesn’t come from one place. It’s layered, complex, and deeply personal. Some of the most common challenges mums talk about include:
• Losing a sense of identity beyond “mum” - You are no longer known by your name, instead you simply become “ mum”
• Loss of freedom - You are no longer able to make spontaneous plans, in fact it can be hard to even go to the toilet in peace.
• Career changes - You are used to receiving validation from work or hobbies and now much of the work you do to look after your baby feels invisible to everyone else.
• Changes to your body - You may struggle with the physical changes to your body, and the impact that this can have on your confidence.
• Changes in your relationship - You and your partner’s life will probably never feel more different than they do now if you are at home all day and they are at work. Many new mums struggle with resentment about how much the mental load of parenthood often falls on the mum.
In a recent Survey by Kendamil, one mum captured this feeling perfectly:
“My partner went back to normal. I didn’t even recognise myself in the mirror.”
These experiences can leave mums feeling invisible, disconnected, and feeling like they don’t know who they are anymore.
Why these feelings are a normal response to becoming a mum
As a therapist, I want to be very clear: these feelings do not mean that there is anything wrong with you. They also don’t mean you love your baby any less.
Becoming a mum involves a psychological and social identity shift. Your role changes, your responsibilities multiply, and your nervous system is often in a near-constant state of alert. At the same time, society still expects mums to be grateful, glowing, and coping. Many mums feel like they can’t be honest about their far more complex reality.
Freedom, autonomy, and control are deeply tied to your sense of self. In the first year of being a mum, all of those are dramatically reduced. What you are feeling is a completely valid response to this change.
As a therapist, I believe the best way to process these feelings is to acknowledge your reality. There is no need to try and dismiss these feelings or tell yourself that you shouldn’t feel this way. When you accept how you feel, you can process these feelings and start to work your way through them.
You don’t need to “get back to the old you”, but instead find a new version of yourself
I often hear from my therapy clients “I just want to feel like the old me”. I have to try and find a way to gently break it to them, actually you probably aren’t going to feel like the old version of you again.
Becoming a mum permanently changes you.
However, the good news is that there is a new version of yourself waiting for you on the other side of this adjustment. You will find joy, contentment and excitement in different aspects of your life. From my experience, most mums find a new level of contentment which far exceeds how they felt pre-baby.
From my experience of helping hundreds of mums navigate this identity shift, it tends to require a balance of giving yourself space to not feel like yourself. Whilst also making little shifts towards doing things that help you to feel like yourself.
Some ways to help yourself if you’re going through this identity shift right now:
Self-care must be a priority
I know how hard it is to make time for yourself after having a baby, but it is essential that you find small ways to look after yourself day-to-day. When you start finding ways to look after yourself, it sends a message to your brain that you are important and that you deserve to be treated with respect. Examples of self-care activities include: spending 5 minutes stretching, getting some morning sunlight, 1-minute meditation, putting a face mask on whilst you feed the baby or making yourself a quick smoothie in the morning.
Top tip: start small, and as your motivation and capacity grows, add more self-care into your day.
Being okay with not knowing who you are for a while
This may sound like the opposite of what you need, but you will most likely experience much greater day-to-day life satisfaction when you accept that during this postpartum chapter of your life, it’s okay to not know who you are. This is a time that you can grieve your old life, whilst accepting the slowness of this current chapter.
Gently reconnecting with interests
As time goes on, and your capacity increases, it can be helpful to slowly introduce activities that you enjoy back into your life. I recommend you to write a list of all the activities that you enjoy. Then, try and aim to do one of these activities every day. For example, “read my book for 10 minutes” (setting yourself a small time limit can help you to build your attention span). Some of the activities you enjoy may not be possible now, but find an accessible alternative.
Top tip: try to make your chosen activity as achievable as possible.
Communicate the support you need clearly
Rather than hoping your partner notices, try naming what would help. This might include time alone, a redistribution of responsibility or having emotional check-ins. Many mums feel like their partner should just know how to help, without needing to be told. However, it can be helpful to accept that your partner will never fully understand your experience as a new mum.
Letting go of the pressure to ‘bounce-back’
Your body has carried, birthed, and sustained life. This is truly amazing. Try to accept your body being different for this period of your life while also making small manageable steps to feeling healthy and strong. There is a sense of empowerment that can come from truly nourishing your body. These small steps can help you gain a sense of confidence that you may not have experienced pre-baby.
What to do about resentment in your relationship
Many mums describe a frustration that’s hard to voice, their partner’s world appears to return to normal, while theirs feels permanently altered. For many mums, resentment creeps in as their partner retains their relative freedom, by doing every-day tasks such as going to work or going to the gym. Their body hasn't changed, their identity seems intact. Meanwhile, your body and your life don’t feel like your own at the moment.
Many new mums feel unseen, unsupported, and quietly furious. This is especially when the mental load in your relationship feels uneven. It can be helpful to work through resentment between you and your partner. This will likely be an ongoing process in the first few years of parenthood.
Some steps that I regularly recommend to my therapy clients to help with this resentment include:
• Regular check-in conversations to help you both feel seen. This could be a quick 5-10 minutes each evening to ask each other about your highs and lows of the day.
• Splitting the invisible load of parenthood more fairly. Aim to have each person responsible for all parts of the task, rather than just the execution of the task. For example, if your partner is taking the baby swimming, they are also responsible for packing the bag, taking snacks, and other related tasks such as ensuring the baby has a new swimming costume when the old one is outgrown.
• Being explicit about what you need instead of assuming it’s obvious. Your partner will most likely never understand how it feels to be pregnant, give birth or be a postpartum mum. Therefore, aim to be as specific as possible with what needs you have. This might include, “I would like you to take the baby downstairs for 30 minutes in the morning so that I have time to shower and get ready”.
• Seeking counselling if resentment feels like it’s becoming entrenched. Many couples may benefit from an external person to help them navigate this huge adjustment to parenthood.
You’re still in there….
I know it feels like you’ve lost yourself, but it doesn’t mean you’re gone. It just means you’re in transition.
It takes time to feel like yourself again. It really does get better. You will come out the other side of this feeling with far more self-awareness, patience, and compassion than you will have ever had before.
For now, it is completely okay for you to not feel like yourself for a while.
Looking for more tips and advice? Head over to the Mum Hub for more support and motivation.
